Why Do I Always Put Everyone Else First? (And Why It's So Hard to Prioritise Yourself)

"I know I should look after myself... but everyone else comes first."

If you've ever thought that, you're not alone.

Many of the women I work with and speak to say exactly this, and I used to feel this way too (admittedly my children are adults now so it is easier).

As a society I notice many women struggling to prioritise their own self care. Social media piles it on thickly, almost pressurising us to do it, but sometimes we try to force ourselves to practise self care before we've explored what's making it feel so difficult.

When that happens, it can leave us feeling guilty or avoiding it altogether, and then that can lead to all sorts of outcomes including depression, burnout, migraines and illness, to name but a few.

The interesting thing is that I don't think most women need another article telling them to practise self care. We already know it's important. We know we need to slow down, rest more, say no occasionally and stop putting ourselves at the bottom of the list.

Yet despite knowing all of that, so many of us still find ourselves saying, "I'll do it later," or "Once everyone else is sorted."

So rather than asking what you should be doing, I wonder if a more interesting question is, what is it that's making it feel so difficult to do it in the first place?

Why is it so hard to put yourself first?

For many of us, putting ourselves first simply doesn't feel natural.

I know from my own experience, I grew up with a mum who showed narcissistic traits. I saw her behaviour as very selfish and I vowed I would not be like her, so that meant I spun in the opposite direction and tried to be the perfect mum, putting my kids' needs first and putting mine at the bottom of the list.

But I'm curious, what might be your story?

I know I have spoken to women whose husbands have been at a place of work all day, and they come home and want to go to the gym or do their hobby. It's easy for us women to think, "Yes, you have worked hard all day. Yes, you deserve that time." But we discount what we ourselves have done. Many of the tasks we do are about holding the family together, and although there isn't an income attached to that, we just think, "Well, it has to be done," so we discount it as valuable and essential, even though we have done that and run our business spinning so many plates at once, or on the flip side you are fully aware of just how much you have done but it passes silently, not acknowledged, and you hold it all in and simmer inside feeling resentful.

Another common thing I hear is, "I can't switch off, even when I do go and do something for myself." Or even worse, "I come home to chaos, so it undoes all that good because I come home to carnage."

I fully appreciate this can seem like a good reason not to do self care. But I wonder whether this is the reason... or whether it's become the story our brain uses because something underneath makes slowing down feel uncomfortable.

Why do we only look after ourselves when we're already overwhelmed?

This brings me to another observation. Isn't it interesting how sometimes we only take care of ourselves when we are desperate and in overwhelm? We forget to do it consistently as a form of overall wellbeing rather than something to help us climb back out of a hole.

I was always brought up with the phrase, "Prevention is better than cure," and I wonder if self care and kindness fit in here too.

So I'm curious, what stops us doing this?

Why do I feel guilty when I take time for myself?

This is definitely something I have felt myself, so I really do get it. However, once I worked on what was going on underneath this layer, I was able to feel worthy of that time for myself.

Often guilt arises because maybe we experienced something when we were younger. We were told we were selfish, or not worthy of attention, or we believed we weren't important or deserving. Events happen when we're younger and, as children, we make them mean there is something wrong with us. However, when you look back, clear the emotions attached and are able to take a step back and see the bigger picture, we can often see there was something else at play.

Firstly, I think it is really important to begin to understand what that guilt is trying to say to you. What is it trying to protect you from?

And perhaps an even more revealing question is, what are you scared might happen if you didn't feel guilty?

Because somewhere along the line you decided that the guilt would unconsciously kick in to protect you from suffering in a different way.

I just don't have time for self care

I hear this a lot and I get it. You are juggling so many plates and trying to achieve the impossible every day.

But one thing I have noticed about myself is that when I am exhausted, I am slower at completing tasks, my brain doesn't come up with solutions as quickly, I get easily distracted and so the same list of tasks takes me so much longer. However, when I am rested, I can often fly through the list so much quicker.

If you can begin to see the other side, that you are actually more efficient when you have had that break, then the time issue starts to feel a little different.

What happens when you always put everyone else first?

Can I be honest with you? This isn't a healthy place to stay because at some point your body is likely to tell you it isn't sustainable. It may find a way to get you to stop through illness, burnout or something else that finally forces you to slow down.

If the people around us, young and old, get used to us being a certain way, always giving and always prioritising others first, they accidentally become so used to it that changing can come up against resistance. But with baby steps you can overcome this and, with an explanation of what is happening, you can often get their support and collaborate rather than everything being on your shoulders.

What if you don't feel like doing it?

Sometimes we've finally made the time, but when it comes to it, we just don't feel like it. Maybe something has happened that has upset us, we're feeling a bit off colour, we're exhausted, or we simply don't fancy what we'd planned.

But you know what? In those moments, can we find a quiet space just to be. To give ourselves some compassion, and acceptance that this is the way we are feeling right now, and that's okay and completely understandable, because we can accidentally make it worse by fighting it, pushing through or, even worse, being self critical.

For me today, I had planned to go to a weights class at the gym, but I just didn't feel like it. So I sat down in the café, tapped, paused and realised I was feeling a bit down, and actually the loud music wasn't going to help me. Instead, I noticed there was a yoga class I could do after I had finished writing this blog.

In that moment I was able to tune into what was important for me. It wasn't what I had originally planned, and that was okay.

Sometimes self care isn't about making yourself stick to the original plan. Sometimes it's about giving yourself permission to change the plan because you've taken the time to listen to what you need instead.

A final thought

So if you've been telling yourself, "I know I should look after myself... but everyone else comes first," perhaps instead of asking yourself, "Why can't I just make myself do it?" a more helpful question might be, "What is making it feel so difficult in the first place?"

I'd love to know what resonated with you and what patterns you've noticed in yourself.

And if you've recognised yourself in this blog and you're tired of always putting yourself last, we can gently explore the beliefs and emotional patterns that make prioritising yourself feel so difficult. That's the work we do together.

If you'd like to find out more, click the link HERE to arrange a free chat.