Disappointed with online courses? Let's get to the bottom of this.

• 

I came across a piece of research by Dr Katy Jordan recently that caught my attention.

87.4% of people do not finish the courses they buy.

The research looks at course length, course design and assessment types as the reasons behind that number, and yes all of those things matter, but this is my take on it, and I say this as someone who has lived this experience herself very recently, I wonder if there is something else going on underneath that number that nobody is really measuring or talking about.

I waited for the tax year to end to buy it

I had been sitting on the sidelines for months telling myself that next tax year, when the budget allowed, I would finally buy that course. I had been seeing it promoted everywhere and it seemed to fit exactly what I needed, it felt like the missing piece, the thing that would finally mean my business felt like it was properly on the right path, and I had convinced myself that this was the one that would make all the difference.

So I bought the online course. And I was so disappointed.

I signed in straight away all excited to dive in, but as I noticed the finer details I felt my heart sinking. The zoom call times didn't work well for me and were infrequent, and when I posted in the Facebook group to ask a question it was other students who replied, not the expert I had actually paid for, and whilst their input was appreciated and they were genuinely kind and well meaning, it just wasn't what I was hoping it would be. So yes I was very disappointed with the online course.

So I started asking myself whether I had placed too much expectation on this course, whether I had pinned so much hope on it. I knew I had to do the work and I was fully prepared to do that, but maybe in all the excitement I had inflated the possible outcomes in my head beyond what it could ever realistically deliver.

And honestly, probably yes, but then again doesn't marketing do exactly that these days? We are sold the dream so convincingly that of course we inflate it, and I don't think that's just me, it's like Willy Wonka and the golden ticket, we are told exactly what we want so badly to hear and of course we believe it because we want it to be true.

The part that I think has been missed

The disappointment almost sabotaged me completely.

It was so intense that I noticed I was pushing the course away, telling myself I wouldn't bother with it, what a waste, and I felt like a complete fool for having been hooked in by the marketing and wasted my money, and so on top of the disappointment in the course I then felt deeply disappointed in myself too, which if I am being really honest was probably the heavier of the two feelings.

And what I noticed was that all of that, the disappointment, the shame, the self judgment, had created a wall between me and anything valuable the course actually contained, because the course wasn't bad, it just wasn't what I had been hoping it would be, and yet I was so busy feeling let down and embarrassed that I couldn't see past any of it to the gems that were genuinely sitting there waiting for me.

So I wonder if you have bought a course or signed up for therapy or coaching, and really pinned your hopes on this changing everything, and then you come crashing down to ground to the reality of it all. Because lets be honest we get wrapped up in the hope and don't read all the details, we almost skim the words and see what we want to see because it means so much to us, and please know this is a human response, our hopes have taken over our logical thinking.

And lets be honest as well, one person's description can mean something else entirely to another, because we interpret everything through our own lens, our own experiences, our own set of expectations, and details can so easily be read in the way we most want them to be read rather than the way they were actually intended.

What happened when I tapped on it

I tapped on the disappointment and the loss of hope, and the intensity calmed.

And when I went back and looked at the course again I could see some valuable nuggets that I had completely missed whilst I was in the thick of that heavy feeling, and I thought to myself, ok so it wasn't completely in the learning style I enjoy the most, but I am not going to shoot myself in the foot and throw all my toys out of the cot, I am going to give it a go and see where it leads me.

That shift, from pushing something away in shame and disappointment to being able to look at it with fresh and open eyes, that is what EFT tapping does that so many other approaches struggle to reach, it works with the nervous system to process the emotional weight of an experience so that you can actually see clearly again, and for women in business who are feeling stuck despite trying everything, that moment of being able to see clearly again can make all the difference.

If this resonates with you

If you have ever invested in a course, a coach or a therapist and felt really let down because it didn't deliver what you were hoping for, and if that disappointment is still sitting somewhere inside you making you hesitate or hold back or feel quietly foolish for having hoped so hard, I want you to know that what you are feeling makes complete sense and you are absolutely not alone in it.

Inside the RESET Room I added a tapping audio called When Support Doesn't Turn Out as You'd Hoped and it is for exactly this feeling, for the moments when hope meets reality and the gap between the two feels too heavy to carry.

Join the RESET Room HERE I would love to see you in there.

Why Do I Always Put Everyone Else First? (And Why It's So Hard to Prioritise Yourself)

"I know I should look after myself... but everyone else comes first."

If you've ever thought that, you're not alone.

Many of the women I work with and speak to say exactly this, and I used to feel this way too (admittedly my children are adults now so it is easier).

As a society I notice many women struggling to prioritise their own self care. Social media piles it on thickly, almost pressurising us to do it, but sometimes we try to force ourselves to practise self care before we've explored what's making it feel so difficult.

When that happens, it can leave us feeling guilty or avoiding it altogether, and then that can lead to all sorts of outcomes including depression, burnout, migraines and illness, to name but a few.

The interesting thing is that I don't think most women need another article telling them to practise self care. We already know it's important. We know we need to slow down, rest more, say no occasionally and stop putting ourselves at the bottom of the list.

Yet despite knowing all of that, so many of us still find ourselves saying, "I'll do it later," or "Once everyone else is sorted."

So rather than asking what you should be doing, I wonder if a more interesting question is, what is it that's making it feel so difficult to do it in the first place?

Why is it so hard to put yourself first?

For many of us, putting ourselves first simply doesn't feel natural.

I know from my own experience, I grew up with a mum who showed narcissistic traits. I saw her behaviour as very selfish and I vowed I would not be like her, so that meant I spun in the opposite direction and tried to be the perfect mum, putting my kids' needs first and putting mine at the bottom of the list.

But I'm curious, what might be your story?

I know I have spoken to women whose husbands have been at a place of work all day, and they come home and want to go to the gym or do their hobby. It's easy for us women to think, "Yes, you have worked hard all day. Yes, you deserve that time." But we discount what we ourselves have done. Many of the tasks we do are about holding the family together, and although there isn't an income attached to that, we just think, "Well, it has to be done," so we discount it as valuable and essential, even though we have done that and run our business spinning so many plates at once, or on the flip side you are fully aware of just how much you have done but it passes silently, not acknowledged, and you hold it all in and simmer inside feeling resentful.

Another common thing I hear is, "I can't switch off, even when I do go and do something for myself." Or even worse, "I come home to chaos, so it undoes all that good because I come home to carnage."

I fully appreciate this can seem like a good reason not to do self care. But I wonder whether this is the reason... or whether it's become the story our brain uses because something underneath makes slowing down feel uncomfortable.

Why do we only look after ourselves when we're already overwhelmed?

This brings me to another observation. Isn't it interesting how sometimes we only take care of ourselves when we are desperate and in overwhelm? We forget to do it consistently as a form of overall wellbeing rather than something to help us climb back out of a hole.

I was always brought up with the phrase, "Prevention is better than cure," and I wonder if self care and kindness fit in here too.

So I'm curious, what stops us doing this?

Why do I feel guilty when I take time for myself?

This is definitely something I have felt myself, so I really do get it. However, once I worked on what was going on underneath this layer, I was able to feel worthy of that time for myself.

Often guilt arises because maybe we experienced something when we were younger. We were told we were selfish, or not worthy of attention, or we believed we weren't important or deserving. Events happen when we're younger and, as children, we make them mean there is something wrong with us. However, when you look back, clear the emotions attached and are able to take a step back and see the bigger picture, we can often see there was something else at play.

Firstly, I think it is really important to begin to understand what that guilt is trying to say to you. What is it trying to protect you from?

And perhaps an even more revealing question is, what are you scared might happen if you didn't feel guilty?

Because somewhere along the line you decided that the guilt would unconsciously kick in to protect you from suffering in a different way.

I just don't have time for self care

I hear this a lot and I get it. You are juggling so many plates and trying to achieve the impossible every day.

But one thing I have noticed about myself is that when I am exhausted, I am slower at completing tasks, my brain doesn't come up with solutions as quickly, I get easily distracted and so the same list of tasks takes me so much longer. However, when I am rested, I can often fly through the list so much quicker.

If you can begin to see the other side, that you are actually more efficient when you have had that break, then the time issue starts to feel a little different.

What happens when you always put everyone else first?

Can I be honest with you? This isn't a healthy place to stay because at some point your body is likely to tell you it isn't sustainable. It may find a way to get you to stop through illness, burnout or something else that finally forces you to slow down.

If the people around us, young and old, get used to us being a certain way, always giving and always prioritising others first, they accidentally become so used to it that changing can come up against resistance. But with baby steps you can overcome this and, with an explanation of what is happening, you can often get their support and collaborate rather than everything being on your shoulders.

What if you don't feel like doing it?

Sometimes we've finally made the time, but when it comes to it, we just don't feel like it. Maybe something has happened that has upset us, we're feeling a bit off colour, we're exhausted, or we simply don't fancy what we'd planned.

But you know what? In those moments, can we find a quiet space just to be. To give ourselves some compassion, and acceptance that this is the way we are feeling right now, and that's okay and completely understandable, because we can accidentally make it worse by fighting it, pushing through or, even worse, being self critical.

For me today, I had planned to go to a weights class at the gym, but I just didn't feel like it. So I sat down in the café, tapped, paused and realised I was feeling a bit down, and actually the loud music wasn't going to help me. Instead, I noticed there was a yoga class I could do after I had finished writing this blog.

In that moment I was able to tune into what was important for me. It wasn't what I had originally planned, and that was okay.

Sometimes self care isn't about making yourself stick to the original plan. Sometimes it's about giving yourself permission to change the plan because you've taken the time to listen to what you need instead.

A final thought

So if you've been telling yourself, "I know I should look after myself... but everyone else comes first," perhaps instead of asking yourself, "Why can't I just make myself do it?" a more helpful question might be, "What is making it feel so difficult in the first place?"

I'd love to know what resonated with you and what patterns you've noticed in yourself.

And if you've recognised yourself in this blog and you're tired of always putting yourself last, we can gently explore the beliefs and emotional patterns that make prioritising yourself feel so difficult. That's the work we do together.

If you'd like to find out more, click the link HERE to arrange a free chat.

Fear of Public Speaking: Why you feel so afraid of being judged or getting it wrong

It makes sense on paper… but it doesn’t feel that way

In principle the thinking behind speaking in public makes sense, you are promoting your business to a wider audience, showing your authority, spreading your message. A great strategy on paper….

But in reality it can feel terrifying.

You feel sick just thinking about the upcoming event, and wonder ‘why on earth did I agree to this?’

You think - ‘I’m scared I’ll look stupid, disappoint people, and come across as chaotic’ and on top of that your chest is tight, you feel sick, and you just cant focus.

Everyone says you’ll be fine! But you don’t believe that for a second.

So what’s actually going on here?

If you’ve grown up worrying what people think of you because as a child you had experiences where you felt judged or criticised, or you got approval when you pleased people, a part of you is going to want to keep you safe by not exposing you to judgement and criticism.

Why “just be confident” doesn’t work

The mindset coaches out there would encourage you to ‘be confident’, do your super woman pose and just speak from the heart!

So telling yourself to put your big girl pants on is not going to do anything if there is a whole host of fear and anxiety running the show underneath.

I know this feeling because I’ve been there too

I remember my first time vividly. I was so fearful of public speaking. I was shaking, my mind went blank, and I ended up reading from my sheet. My heart was pounding and it felt like the longest 20 minutes.

The next time I spoke it was completely different.

Someone asked if I was nervous and I checked in with myself and realised… I actually felt excited.

So what changed?

I had tapped on all of my fears and worries, including:

• the fear that people are expecting something amazing, will I disappoint them?

• the fear of them being disappointed

• the fear of seeing all of those eyes focused on me

• the fear that my mind will go blank and I will forget what I wanted to say

• the fear that I will look an absolute idiot who doesn’t know what she is talking about

• and yes, the fear of looking like a hot sweaty mess

  
  

  

What actually helps the fear settle

You see once that fear is given a voice and we actually listen in to it, it starts to soften because it feels heard and validated.

What I have found is if you really speak to that fear and try and understand it just like you would a frightened child, then it begins to feel heard and becomes more open to reassurance.

You can then reassure the fear that you are safe, and it’s natural to be worried but actually…

This worry is sabotaging the success of your presentation.

This then brings down the intensity of the fear.The logical mind can then come back on board and you can show up as a calmer, more enthusiastic version of yourself.

The beliefs that once felt so true in our body can then be explored in a safe way, and as the intensity settles, they start to shift naturally.

This is where things start to feel different

This then makes it possible to feel more relaxed and comfortable in front of an audience, because the mind and body no longer see it as danger.

You will feel so much calmer in your body.Your thinking becomes clearer, and your passion and energy can finally come through, allowing a better connection with your audience.

You don’t have to do this on your own

If this resonates and you recognise that fear in yourself, this is exactly the kind of work I

support women with.In a 1:1 session we gently explore what’s underneath the fear and help your body feel safe enough to show up in the way you want to.

You don’t have to push through it on your own.

If you’d like to explore this together, you can find out more about working with me here.